Subtle Signs of Spiritual Abuse in Relationships

Spiritual abuse rarely starts with shouting or ultimatums.

Often, it begins quietly — in subtle comments, twisted scripture, or “forgiveness” offered when no wrong was done. These moments can feel confusing, even surreal, these are the subtle signs of spiritual abuse. For Sarah, it was the text message from Robert that said, “It’s okay, I forgive you.” She hadn’t done anything wrong. They had spent a beautiful day together, yet suddenly she was accused of theft and then “forgiven” for something that never happened.

That moment wasn’t dramatic. It didn’t look like abuse on the surface. But it planted a seed of doubt — and that’s how spiritual abuse often works.

In this post, we’ll explore how to recognize these subtle signs, why they matter, and how to reclaim clarity when your faith is used against you.

1. False Accusations Cloaked in Forgiveness

Abusers sometimes accuse their partner of sins or wrongs that never occurred. Then, they position themselves as the merciful one offering forgiveness. On the surface, it looks spiritual. In reality, it’s manipulation.

Sarah experienced this when Robert suggested she had stolen money. He framed it as if she were desperate, a single mother in need. Later, he denied ever saying it. The “forgiveness” became a way to establish control — placing Sarah in the role of sinner, and Robert in the role of savior.

2. Twisting Scripture to Justify Control

Another subtle sign is when scripture is used as a weapon rather than a comfort. Instead of pointing to God’s love and freedom, verses are applied to demand silence, submission, or obedience.

Robert once quoted verses about Sarah being like the holy women of the past who submitted to their husbands. But the tone wasn’t gentle. It was sharp, designed to remind her of her “place.” When scripture stops lifting you up and starts pressing you down, something is wrong.

3. Creating Confusion and Doubt

Spiritual abuse thrives in confusion. One moment you are cherished; the next, you’re accused. Then, it’s all smoothed over with a spiritual-sounding phrase like “I forgive you” or “God wants you to trust me.”

Sarah described it as spiritual whiplash. She questioned her own memory, wondering if she had misunderstood. This is gaslighting with a religious covering — leaving you doubting your own truth.

4. Shame Disguised as Spiritual Guidance

Sometimes, what sounds like guidance is actually shame. Phrases like “God told me you need to be more submissive” or “You don’t pray enough” can create pressure rather than inspiration. Instead of being invited closer to God, you feel pushed further away from His love.

True guidance from God draws us in with grace. Shame pushes us down in fear. The difference is everything.

5. How to Respond

If these signs sound familiar, you are not alone. Recognizing spiritual abuse is the first step toward healing. Begin by:

Naming the behavior: Write down specific words or actions that felt wrong.
Seeking safe counsel: Share your experiences with trusted, non-controlling people.
Returning to God’s truth: Scripture reminds us that God is love, not manipulation.

Healing begins when confusion is replaced with clarity — and clarity grows when the subtle signs are finally named.

Conclusion

Sarah’s story reminds us that spiritual abuse isn’t always loud or obvious. Sometimes, it hides in the quiet comments that make us question ourselves. But God never confuses us or shames us into submission. His Spirit leads with truth, grace, and love.

If you’ve felt trapped in doubt or shame, know this: you can trust your heart, you can trust His voice, and you can take steps toward freedom.

TOMFAW – Trusting Our Maker Finding A Way

TOMFAW Homepage

TOMFAW

Sarah's Story