TOMFAW

Sometimes Truth is Stranger Than Fiction

This is one of the last real, unedited conversations between Sarah and Robert.

It includes references to a black Verve jacket (pictured below) — a piece of women’s clothing that showed up in his home among Sarah’s things but wasn’t hers. That moment sparked the exchange.

The words may sound messy, even “crazy” at times. But that’s exactly the point. When truth collides with secrecy, denial, and scripture used as a weapon, the result is confusion.

This is what it feels like to try to hold on to reality when someone else is twisting it.

The Jacket

R: You want these or want me donate them?

S: Toss the underwear. Donate dress. Can give the other girl back the black thing. Never seen it in my life.

R: Sends another picuture of Sarah’s clothes.

S: That’s so cute maybe the owner of the black jacket wants it. Ask her if she wants those too

R: Nice projection …. You are the one with multiple actual real relationships. That’s why you always blame me.

Behavioral Note – Projection: Projection is accusing someone else of what you are actually doing. Here, Robert deflects Sarah’s question about the black jacket by accusing her of “multiple relationships.”

S: It’s not mine, could be your mom’s I’m just saying not mine. Maybe if it’s your mom the stuff won’t be her style.

R: You not saying not yours, you blame me of other women always.

S: Only call out what I see what you’re actually doing, where you take idk. No blame it’s all truth.

R: No you don’t you lie and project and blame without apology. That how I feel about all those lies and bull shit and arrows and pestilence fake beliefs toxic blame manipulations.

Behavioral Note – Control Through Confusion (Word Salad): This overwhelming string of accusations (“lies… pestilence… fake beliefs… manipulations”) is word salad. It creates confusion and destabilizes Sarah rather than addressing the issue.

S: Verve (brand of jacket) is not mine. This is woman’s clothes soooo??? It’s in your possession with my woman’s stuff but that particular piece is not mine. So why you have another woman’s clothing idk, do I know who no, but I know it’s there, you sent it to me in a picture. No projections it’s hanging in your kitchen right now.

R: I don’t deal with that toxic shit anymore.

Behavioral Note – Gaslighting: By dismissing Sarah’s concern as “toxic,” Robert denies the reality of the evidence (the jacket in the photo). Gaslighting makes Sarah feel as though raising the truth is itself the problem

S: Deflection.

R: Reality.

S: Well you didn’t have to show me that either, talk about toxic.

R: Toxic.

S: It’s mean and hurtful to show me another woman’s clothing.

R: Now you really know how I feel.

S: You’re so mean and hurtful and you love it.

R: Whatever Sarah, you lack of faith in me has nothing to do with me.

Behavioral Note – Victim Blaming: Rather than address her pain, Robert blames Sarah for “lack of faith.” This shifts the problem onto her supposed shortcomings, excusing his actions.

S: You know exactly what you are doing.

S: You’re done so leave me alone please you’re mean and hurtful to me.

R: Nice projection … you the one abandon, runs away, not respond, not love, hate, fake lies believer, fake, fake, fake, fake, never wrong, fake fake fake fake, believer of lies!!!

Behavioral Note – Control Through Confusion / Verbal Assault: The repetition of “fake” and barrage of accusations is another example of control through confusion. It keeps Sarah off-balance and on the defensive.

“Fake Reality” and the Demon of Confusion

R: I don’t have time for fake shit anymore; have fun with your fake thoughts and beliefs Sarah.

R: I don’t want anything to do with fake reality of lies and deceptions and fake thoughts about fake shit it’s all a huge deception.

R:  I am a loving kind patient human.  I don’t have to prove my self worth to anyone; especially you.  I’m glad we are not together anymore (that was your choice).   I deserve peace and steadfast love with full confidence.  Not chaos with blame of shit you are doing so you can feel better about your own sinful nature and failures.  Sorry it hasn’t worked out between us, I know the Lord has a great plan in store for both of us, so take your lies and fake beliefs about me somewhere else; I’m sure your friends love hearing all your lies and I’m sure you love telling them, pagan, tax collector, wolf in sheep’s clothing.
 

R: Rejoice and be glad!!! Great is your reward!!!

Behavioral Note – Love-Bombing / Spiritual Superiority: Robert calls himself “a loving kind patient human” and invokes God’s plan, while simultaneously dismissing Sarah’s reality and condemning her. This mixture of self-praise and religious superiority is manipulative — appearing righteous while shaming her.

S: The demon of confusion wins again.  It makes you believe in your heart I stole from you. Made you go to a massage parlor after we were together the first time. You yell at me over sprinklers, roast beef, cheese, outside garbage cans, ice falling from fridge, Allen keys, makes you not trust me, makes you do all your weird dark secret stuff. Makes me run away.

S: God want all this brought to the light. This is an opportunity to face the demons, blast it away with the powerful light of the Lord’s sword.

R: No sorry no demon has possession over the Lord Jesus Christ who lives and reigns in all who truly believe.

S: Denial like that is a key ingredient for reflection time. We all have accept Robert!! lol yea you’re so special.

R: Wrong again; I’m not special, the Lord does not show partiality/favoritism, everything and anything that is good in me is Jesus Christ the Lord. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.
I’m not confused.

S: I only speak truth of what I’ve seen. If you don’t hear the Lord speaking through me and you’re denying it, run from me — run away, run away from this “toxic,” “contentious,” “runaway.”
S: Never contact me again. When you see me, act like you don’t.

R: I don’t want to talk with you anymore, too much unequal yoke.

S: There is a purpose to all this and if you’re not ready for it, run away.

R: You have no power over my will.

S: The demon of confusion does.

R: You are free to continue to ignore me and walk away when you see me.

S: I’m calling him out again right now. If you don’t wanna hear me, call him out. Don’t reach out to me. Don’t contact me. I don’t want any of my old shit. I want nothing to do with you.

R: I worship the Lord.

Behavioral Note – Spiritual Bypass: Rather than address Sarah’s specific concerns, Robert cuts the discussion short with “I worship the Lord.” This is a spiritual bypass — using faith language to avoid accountability and shut down dialogue.

Secrecy, Scripture, and Denial

S: If you wanna fight the demons, you will cry at my feet and kissing them and lift me up and then the power of God really show what true treasures are

S: This was an opportunity.

R: You don’t understand; the Lord fights all my battles and conquers every enemy.

S: My faith.. its ungodly… acting like you know God better than me is ungodly. How dare you put yourself above others! That’s why you’re looking up Juliet Natalia, Magorie massage, Mariana’s massage and chatting with all these chicks and then denying it and closing accounts or hiding it and opening new ones so you can keep doing it in the darkness.

He sees what happens behind closed doors, he sees it all and if you think you are immune to what’s going on behind your closed doors, you are not and every time you’ve treated me so disgustingly, He has been there watching.

R: Believe whatever you want Sarah.

R: “What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? … No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” Romans 8:31–39 NIV

Behavioral Note – Spiritual Bypass + Scripture Bombing: Robert responds to specific accusations about secrecy and dishonesty with a long scripture  passage. This tactic is “scripture bombing” — overwhelming the conversation with verses. It’s also “spiritual bypassing,” where biblical language is used to avoid accountability or responsibility.

S: I believe what I see. That doesn’t change that demons are inside us and if we’re not ready to let them go, the Lord gives us to them.

S: I’m calling out the demon of confusion and if you wanna live in that and taunt me and act manipulative and honk at me driving by and be so kind to me in person, you are doing the work of the devil.

S: It’s unkind to be so hateful towards someone behind closed doors and then in public act so kind and patient and loving.

S: Trickery.

S: Do you know I saw all those girls’ little profile pictures at the top of your messenger and it’s silly to just erase it and act like it never happened and then I’m so wrong — like right there is a sign that you’re choosing evil, dark over light.

S: If it were godly and sincere, you would’ve been handing your phone over to me and reassuring me that you’re ready to be open and communicate.

Your actions and decisions of being extra secretive, private, denying transparency, it’s an ungodly way to treat someone you say you wanna marry.

R: Yes I struggle mentally with sexual issues; thanks for your understanding and support! I’m glad the Lord loves me, I don’t need your love or approval.

Behavioral Note – False Confession / Deflection: Here Robert briefly admits to “struggling with sexual issues,” but immediately minimizes it with sarcasm (“thanks for your understanding”) and dismisses Sarah’s love or approval. This type of half-admission followed by denial is a deflection tactic that avoids true accountability.

S: I’m giving you every single phone number of the men that I am in contact with, I don’t care and have nothing to hide. You put me down for the relationships and things that I’ve created that have built me a small business that’s allowed me as a single mom to live kind of like the beginning of a dream and to watch me build that and to continue building that — and put me down for it is a deflection. There’s no good.

There’s nothing disgusting about what I’m doing, sexual or inappropriate with any of these people.

R: It’s all good Sarah live your life. I don’t think we are suppose to be together anymore.

Behavioral Note – Emotional Invalidation: Robert brushes aside Sarah’s transparency and hard work with “It’s all good… live your life.” This invalidates her effort to show openness and minimizes her perspective, shutting down the discussion instead of engaging with it.

Toxicity, Secrecy, and Religious Manipulation

S: I am here as a witness of the Lord. His will is to bring this to the light not to keep hiding it, and your actions hide it. This is not bringing it to the light. If it was “bringing it to the light,” you’d be open about this and your struggle with sexual issues.

I’d be Julieta, Natalia, Mariana — I’d be all of these women. But I’m not, I’m just Sarah — “contentious”, “toxic”, “unbearable”, “negativity is my disease”.

R: Too much toxicity and mistrust.

Behavioral Note – Emotional Invalidation: Rather than engage with Sarah’s pain, Robert dismisses her as “too toxic.” This is emotional invalidation: minimizing and disregarding her feelings, leaving her unseen and unheard.

S: Can you blame that on me

R: No.

R: I blame you for continuing to believe lies over truth.

R: Without acknowledgment.

Behavioral Note – Victim Blaming: Robert appears to accept partial responsibility (“No”), but then shifts the weight back onto Sarah by blaming her for “believing lies.” This places responsibility for the conflict back onto the victim.

S: God is gracious (meaning of Sarah’s name).

S: Guess I was never told the truth.

S: Only know the truth with my eyes and nothing else.

R: Faith is the evidence of things hoped for and the substance of things unseen. We walk by faith and NOT by sight.

R: “You younger men, likewise, be subject to your elders… Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion…” 1 Peter 5:5–11 NASB1995

Behavioral Note – Religious Manipulation: Here Robert quotes scripture about humility, authority, and resisting the devil — not as comfort, but as correction. By using these verses in this context, he frames Sarah as “the proud” or as the one deceived by Satan, weaponizing scripture to condemn rather than to build up.

S: And thanks for acknowledging how difficult it is that when you love somebody that’s doing all these things it’s really really hurtful, and then on top of that when they’re being yelled at for roast beef and being contentious, toxic, — all these other things — how hurtful it can be. Thank you for acknowledging that.

S: When we’re struggling, we seek help from the Lord and the people the Lord puts in our lives that bring it to the light, that call it out and bring it to the light.  

Another truth — you have another woman’s clothing, maybe your mom’s but definitely not mine, and that is hurtful to see when there has been consistent sexual struggles.

S: The unknown is scary. The unknown of seeing all the chats hiding, secrecy, demanding privacy, and all that on top of being yelled at for dumb shit and yelled at for shit that I have created and glorify the strength, hard work that got me the small little business I created.

S: You’re mean and hurtful.

R: I have another woman’s clothing, wow you project so much vomit on me.

R: You are the one literally seeing other men, and not me… So fuck off with your stupid projections. I’m sick of your lies and fakeness.

R: You haven’t treated me lovingly for years with no remorse; I’m done!

Behavioral Note – DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender): Robert denies the accusation (“you project vomit”), attacks Sarah as a liar, and then reverses roles by casting himself as the mistreated partner who has “endured years without love.” This is classic DARVO, a manipulation tactic that flips the script to make the abuser look like the victim.

S: God is gracious. Oh doubting Robert, Praise God an angel was sent to open up your eyes and help you to see

R: True beauty is within.

R: Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting. But a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Behavioral Note – Religious Superiority: By quoting Proverbs in this context, Robert positions himself as the spiritual authority, implying Sarah is not the kind of woman “worthy of praise.” This blends scripture with superiority, reinforcing his dominance in the relationship.

Scripture and Spiritual Superiority

R: Do fear the Lord Sarah?

R: I really want to know!

R: Do you love wisdom, do you desire to fear the Lord?!

R: I do, wholeheartedly, for the Lord’s sake because I wholeheartedly believe that’s what He wants from us and HE WILL DO IT!

S: God is gracious

R: Yes He is!

S: He answers (meaning of Sarah’s name).

R: Yes He does!

S:  Sarah: “Sarah” He answers, God is gracious. (name reference)

S: Praise him for sending you an angel to help you to see. Open up your eyes. (special way Sarah would communicate with Robert, with his own words about her). 

R: Yes, I am blind.

Behavioral Note – Spiritual Superiority with False Humility: After quoting scripture to position himself as spiritually authoritative, Robert then claims “I am blind” — which reads as false humility. This pattern of alternating between superiority and self-effacing statements is manipulative, keeping Sarah off-balance and undermining genuine accountability.

Closing Reflection

Reading this conversation is not easy. The words feel jagged, fragmented, and raw. They reveal what happens when intimacy collides with denial, when scripture becomes a shield rather than a balm, and when blame eclipses responsibility. It’s messy, confusing, and often leaves the one on the receiving end questioning their own sense of reality.

If you’ve ever found yourself in something like this, you may feel both disoriented and deeply weary. You may wonder if you were “too sensitive,” or if you should have “had more faith.”

But notice how, in these exchanges, one voice seeks honesty, transparency, and light, while the other hides behind accusations, spiritual superiority, or dismissal. This is not a simple difference of opinion. This is the erosion of trust through manipulation, projection, and spiritual misuse.

And yet — your body knows the truth. The ache in your chest when someone dismisses you, the knot in your stomach when your concerns are called “toxic,” the quiet grief of being unseen: all of these are signals. They’re reminders that you deserve relationships marked by mutuality, kindness, and safety.

As you sit with these words, allow yourself to breathe. Let compassion meet the parts of you that still feel small, confused, or guilty. Remember that healing doesn’t come through someone else’s validation or condemnation, but through reclaiming your own voice. You are not crazy. You are not too much. You are worthy of being seen, heard, and cherished.

And sometimes the bravest step we can take is simply to name what has been hidden and trust that, in time, the light will do its work.

T.O.M. F.A.W. – Trusting Our Maker Finding A Way

1. Gaslighting

• Anchor: gaslighting examples in relationships
• Link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting (Psychology Today)

2. DARVO

• Anchor: DARVO in relationships
• Link: https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html (University of Oregon research page by Jennifer Freyd, who coined the term)

3. Projection

• Anchor: projection in arguments
• Link: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-projection-2795901 (Verywell Mind)

4. Spiritual Bypassing

• Anchor: examples of spiritual bypassing
• Link: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/spiritual-bypassing (MindBodyGreen)

5. Weaponized Scripture / Spiritual Abuse

• Anchor: spiritual abuse and misuse of scripture
• Link: https://christiansurvivors.com/spiritual-abuse (Christian Survivors)
• Optional Christian counseling source: https://chuckdegroat.net/

6. Emotional Abuse in Relationships

• Anchor: signs of emotional abuse
• Link: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/emotional-abuse.htm (HelpGuide)

Disclaimer: “Names and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.”